Already got asked if we're dating
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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