one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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