im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
