Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
im about as happy as oj after his trial
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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