my shit smells like andre
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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