i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
