Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
