You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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