Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
