I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
