My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
