I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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