a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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