I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
