I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
