just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You left your phone here
Wait...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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