I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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