saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
