hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
