Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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