I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
