Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
