i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
