PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
