Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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