I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
