I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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