McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
