Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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