Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
