I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
