He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
