Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
