I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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