the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
