If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
