There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
