I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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