My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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