Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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