Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Randomize
