I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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