Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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