I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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