I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
