Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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