the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
