Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I don't deserve a penis
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
