So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
it's like iHOP with fire
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
