I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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