She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
