I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I touched a dick in church today
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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